drawing the lines for definitions.
when it comes to life, i guess i cant have a pure distinction on things. things have its shades and i cant see one thing as a definite form. a friend can only be there for passive times and maybe not forever throughout. he/she may be supportive 24/7 for regular basis situations but not during tough tension moments.
i guess thats what i have learnt today.
as much as i love spending time with people around me, you cant expect them to be there forever and for every situation even if they are just right beside you. intentions may not be there.
anyway
somethingg i will never expect:
oversleeeping and missing the time to meet a friend. GOSH. this has never happened before. guess a first time for everything. gosh the panic, terror and disappointment was actually (surprisingly) more than the-almost-late-for-school-feeling.
so, SORRY SUSU and kristen bell (heart sign)!
aww i could really use the love in our hearts feeling from when in rome since love life counts ZERO now. but oh well. it was nice catching up with susu. mjc is always super fun sounding. you'll never encounter such stuff in yj. and also, susu singing BABY BABY was so annoying that it was in my head during work. justin whatever beaver.
su is always judging. tsk tsk. see her facial expressions! oblivious to her judging tendencies.
AND i think we are very different in thinking! when her friend lost a lover pair kind of item, her thought was to steal from the guy and make him think he lost the item too and wont be mad. while my logical train of thought is to simply replace the item.
and talking about the alternative lifestyle, a bit of work and whatnot. i guess after expressing all these stuff, it makes me want a 24/7 person there to meet after work and talk about such stuff. a lover, by definition. friends cant possibly be there to hear rants all the time. not really what lovers might do, but close enough in terms of dedication. yet no one can be there forever.
right now, after ending work and all, there's this hollowness which i really want to find that one kind of person to share with and know i can trust and wont be worried about them adding more to the chasm by disappearing suddenly. well one thing about that. another thing to draw the line and rely on one self.
one thing about today: NOTHING went as planned.
like for gym. her laang nose-bleed suddenly. felt the strong inclination to get him to stop and go home. BUT it was still damn nice to catch up with him. in a way, with weekly meet ups, it makes punctuating life that much easier. rather than running with no stop, losing control of thoughts. good to have some one to reflect thoughts with.
WELL good luck to both of us in finding love love love.
nose bleed? what "too heaty"? bet its cause of some gym girl.
good to see him again though.
event was well tough. didnt really meet nice people. gave me a damn hard time. throwing a horrible tone at me. and when i give the frustrated and confused look, they went "dont give me that look" when they were the one lashing words at me and giving me the exact same look. which btw mine was really toned down cause i was starting to cry, i didnt even start my provoking tone that i used to be unable to control. so you expect me to smile dumbly at you. i was trying so hard to get through to you two too. who the hell started the horrible what-you-want-and-what-is-wrong-with-you tone.
i guess i traded provoking for vulnerability. which is much better i guess since i avoid conflict and move on without much aftermath having to drag bigger people in. much improvements thanks to lorraine's words that she said to me months ago about working with people in the service sector. they can either make things easier or much more difficult which is unnecessary.
so tired of the forced smile in the difficult world of service sector. just cause you are having difficulties on your part running the show, doesnt mean you can pull other people down when they are trying to work and setting up. at the end of the day, i'm still just a very small inexperienced kid. too easily swayed by the things around me. you dont pay me, i dont know you, you have no right to vent anger on me.
dont go saying you are part of the team when you are not and making me waste my time talking to you. and end up scolding me.
well worse of all, people who i spoke highly off didnt interfere and help. i guess they didnt hear whats going on and just peeked at the scene. and they didnt catch my plead for help when i was giving the i'm-frustrated-and-gonna-cry-look-please-come-and-help-me and looked away? i'm not too sure, was so vexed and controlling tears to give hope on them coming and ask whats wrong.
and sometimes, i dont know what they expect of me. they ask me to put the router up high for signal. so i said i'm gonna get a chair thats only 4 meters away. and they said its not necessary when i cant reach that high. and give the what-are-you-thinking kind of feel.
cant people let me try and do things my way. its not like i wont ask for help when things fail.
learnt one thing. fight your own fights. dont bother looking around for help. no one's coming. even if they are super nice 24/7 on a regular situation. not everybody will go all out. dont be surprise when people stop and stare or be oblivious. and dont literally fight, just smile and move on. let them know that NOTHING they are doing is gonna get to me. and be diplomatic.
super glad that the tears didnt last long and i was forcing a good convincing smile when giving photos. just that voice was super shaky. which just sounds like i'm tired.
so glad that its over.
also, it doesnt seem acceptable to cry and be vulnerable. cause when you have that moment, you may slip into something deeper. and the whole big bad world aint gonna loosen itself just cause poor jarratt is gonna cry and be small.
fuck.
life has to continue going on.
Labels: ANOTHER DAY IN THIS WORK LIFE, PHOTOGRAPHY, SOCIAL LINKS ' UNBREAKABLE
